Thoughts on Change

"We're not going to be connected like we used to be. We won't hang out like we used to. And I definitely won't be available as I used to. But that doesn't change how I feel about you. That doesn't change how I care about you. And that doesn't change how much I would enjoy being around you. It is what it is. It's full time career, marriage, a house and a dog. It's a new season of life. It's change."

I feel like this should be stamped on my forehead so everyone I encounter can get a disclaimer of how I feel these days.

Change is good and bad. There are moments of change that are exhilarating and moments that are exhausting. I find myself often saying "I'm busy" to describe how I'm doing when in all actuality I should really be saying "I'm different." Now don't get me wrong, I am busy. Busier than I've ever been. But what I really am trying to convey in my passive way is that I am a different person now, a busy person.

I have found myself getting confused lately. In high school I would have described myself as being highly adaptable and great at change. I probably would have said the same in college. But with marriage and moving so many times I have found something that used to be true in my life to be one of my biggest weaknesses: I am terrible with change. I am overly emotional in every way. I get easily stressed out. I quit. I cry. I am no good at it.

It's so interesting to look at yourself a different way. To take something that used to define you and erase it off of your list of qualities. But isn't that so necessary to not get stuck in the past??

We all are going to change. Sometimes it will be marked by a move, job or decision in life. But many times it will be a slow and steady progression. What I'm trying to learn is that it's ok. It's ok that I am a different person now than a few years ago. It's ok that I will be a different person in a few years, or months even. And it's ok that everyone else will be changing as well.

We all will need to adjust with each other. To let the other person be who they are, even if that's different from who they were.

I say all of this because I often have guilt because I've changed. I feel like I need to buffer the "new me" for those who knew the "old me." But that's a lot of effort and it makes me tired. So I decided I need to let it go and just be.

Here are some other ways I notice I've changed:
- Can not tolerate scary movies/shows/stories/anything
- Willing to talk to strangers/converse, even if it's an awkward conversation (to understand you must know every day I have an hour+ lunch, usually with people I've never met before. Let's imagine some scenarios now...)
- Angry driver (usually because I'm ALWAYS late)
- Don't care about eating foods that make me sick anymore. No allure because I know I'll feel sick (ie. milk, yogurt, anything with a sugar base)
- More into clothes/outfits/hair. And occasionally I paint my finger nails- whaaaat!?
- I'm quicker to gossip. Lost a good filter I used to have.
- Much more understanding of different lifestyles. Less judgmental on how people "should" live.
- My favorite ice cream is Caramel Latte (coffee+caramel) from Safeway. Yes, you can bring me a carton. Or four.

With love from Roseville,
Paige