Forgetting God... oops!

[edited September 11, 2011]

This is written in thought of my fellow APUers who may be feeling some of these same things.

Since the end of my freshman year of college something has been noticeably different with my Christianity. In sooo many ways I have grown and am so grateful for my experience. But in many ways I became a skeptic, but not the good kind. Not the kind you want to be.

Something about higher Biblical education that is great is you get to know Christianity in a way that was hidden from you in church. Lies you are told week after week in the mainstream are unveiled. After dissecting them all you are left with a few rich nuggets of truths surrounded by piles and piles of confusion. You are told it will always be this way, and you learn to live Christianity knowing only for certain a few things, and you treasure and love those nuggets of truth close to your heart.

You also read the Bible totally differently. Intellectually, without the fear of finding something you don't like. Rosy glasses off and see it for what it is. Inspired. Amazing. Rich. Deep. Beautiful. Made by man to reflect our awesome God. I have a profound respect for the Bible, for the interwoven stories of Christians just like you and me who chose to live a God honoring life, or don’t and reap the consequences.

The part that is negative, I viewed the Bible also as too complicated. Too interwoven with imagery I wouldn’t understand without countless commentaries, dictionaries, professors and theologians by my side. I refused to read the Bible on my own, seeing it as pointless unless I purchased required material to go alongside my study. I no longer wanted to make stupid assumptions as I had before. Make “Christaneese” generalizations and see God for who I saw him to be before. I didn’t want to make stupid mistakes. Be childish. Be naïve again. I wanted to be educated. Smart. Tactful. Intellectual. Reasonable.

Instead of reading the Bible, I read people who read the Bible. I poured into Christian authors who would share Biblical truths about life and the Bible they’ve learned. It was the shortcut I needed to fuel my spiritual fire. I needed truths, but I couldn’t trust the Bible to just tell me them. I needed a decoder, and Christian authors were that for me.

I prayed a ton. Prayer seems safe, uncomplicated and not very theologically problematic. It’s my link to God, my life source. It was the one thing I could depend on being consistent in my spirituality and man on man did I enjoy this. But in prayer I felt that pit-of-your-stomach feeling when you know something is a little off. Something was missing but I was too afraid the answer was, “Read the Bible” and I didn’t want to find that out.

The problems with my approach came to notice in my spiritual conversations with Jeremy. We’ve been getting up earlier in the morning to read the Bible and relax before he heads off to work. We decided it would be a good way to start off our days, focused and energized. Although in my mind I knew this would be a good idea, I dreaded it. Not the waking up early, but reading the Bible. I dreaded having to make stupid assumptions off of a book I barely know the context to and make those lessons I just made up apply to my life. It seemed so… basic and flawed. So what I did before I went to college. We needed to do it differently now.

But we would read, he would talk and I wouldn’t contribute at all. I’d pretend it was because I didn’t understand, but really I didn’t even allow myself to get to a point of understanding. I was shut off to listening to the Bible, too tired of being unequipped of understanding it. It’s just easier to not read it.

Last week Jeremy and I were at my home church in Sacramento and my dad was preaching. He was so passionate. We were praying over students going off to high school the next day, and he started crying for the students who had unsaved parents. Begging the Lord to reveal himself through these students, to make them missionaries in their homes for the purpose of showing the Lord to their families.

It was on the car ride home to Pleasanton when I started realizing what was missing. Somewhere in on West Campus, in Crestview or in my room, I had lost an essential nugget to living a lasting Christian relationship... was it that I didn't believe? Did I not believe "enough"? Why did I lack the passion my dad had, and I once had, to save souls?

I got an email from a good friend today describing her current experiences coming out of APU (knowing none of my own) and it all clicked. This is what happened. This is what I couldn't put into words.

" We have gotten lost in our heads I think... it has been such a gift to learn how to read scripture, and study it, and what not. But along the way, we forgot that God is God. He is ruler of all. That we do not understand his ways, and that intimacy with him, is what he longs for, and what is ultimately fulfilling and good. He has drawn us back to himself. We are having to reshape our perspectives in a new development of humility and submission."

And that is a perfect, perfect description of what happened and is happening with me.

I forgot God is God. And that he is the ruler of all. I forgot how BIG God is when I tried to dissect and understand him. That I won't understand his ways- ever. And the only true fulfillment and good can come from intimacy with him.

He is drawing me back to him. I am having to reshape my perspective in a new development of humility and submission. I need to open my Bible and hack my way through scriptures. Because I am equipped. You are equipped. And the Lord will reveal himself to ALL who seek him!

With love from Pleasanton,

Paige

Better than BJs Pizza

Ok, let's be honest. You can't get pizza better than BJs.

But this is a close 2nd :) And it's easy. And we love it!

The Dough:

Makes 1 large pizza

Follow this dough recipe from Allrecipes.com and make these changes:

- Only use 3/4 cups of warm water

- Throw in some (a teaspoon or 2) garlic salt/powder, oregano and baisil to the dough mixture to add delicious some taste (optional)

- Let the dough rise for 30 minutes to 1 hour (or longer if you have the time).

- Bake at 400 for 18-20 minutes

(Yes you will have to buy bread four and yeast... but the homemade dough is soooo goooooooood :))

Easy Sauce:

Enough for 3 large pizzas (so make it in a bowl to refrigerate).

So I'm sure this isn't the world's best sauce cuz it's not homemade, but I think it's still delicious and so easy!

- 1 jar Ragu Chunky Tomato Garlic & Onion & Spaghetti Sauce

- 1 can diced italian flavored tomatoes (drained)

- 1 small can tomato paste

BBQ Chicken Pizza Toppings:

- Do a swirl of Sweet Baby Ray's BBQ Sauce on the dough

- Then put on the tomato sauce and mix it around to mesh the two

- Heavy layer of red onions

- Layer of cheddar cheese

- Dice chicken and mix it well with the BBQ sauce, then put on pizza

- Layer of mozzarella cheese

- Cilantro

- (Also you can add bacon, green onion, red bell pepper...)

The order:

- First make the dough and set it aside to rise.

- Then start slicing and dicing for all your toppings.

- And of course, make your sauce.

- By this time, I'm sure the dough is raised. Turn on the oven.

- Roll the dough out on a floured surface and put it on your pizza pan/stone.

- Add all your toppings generously- the more filling it is the less slices you'll eat!

For kids: Make personal pizzas and let them top their own!

Leftovers:

So you're not eating a giant pizza every day, try serving a salad first, then once your done heat up & serve your pizza. You'll feel fuller from the salad and will hopefully not eat as much pizza!

(And I do realize our salads below are NOT healthy! Haha! Try a vinaigrette dressing, more veggies and less cheese :))

Enjoy!

With love from Pleasanton,

Paige

Polished Mama

I feel a strange connection to a small business owner. Maybe because I had my own for 6 months? Or because my dad is one? Anyways, I am intrigued by small businesses and always love rooting for their success!

And this one is pretty cool. My former dance coach Joslyn's sister made this business.

It's called Polished Mama (check out their website and their Facebook page).

"Kristin has created a line of his polish specially designed for use by mothers during pregnancy and beyond... Kristin respects the need to stay away from chemicals that could leech into breast milk and even amniotic fluid. Kristin is passionate about the well being of the mother-baby dyad and has used this passion as the creative push behind Polished Mama."

Pretty cool, huh?

So join me to support this really awesome small business and possibly share it with moms you know? They've got some great nail polish remover I'm about to order too...

And if you want to get in the contest to win $45 worth of free polish, "like" their Facebook page and submit a fun name for their new polish color!

But if you enter the names Midnight Feeding and Dark Circles you're so a copycat, because I already did that ;)

With love from Pleasanton,

Polished-not-yet-a-mama-Paige

Hide 'n' Seek = Hide 'n' Freak

Right now I'm in our Panera hanging out with Jeremy.

He's working his butt off, scribbling and typing and searching while probably knowing all the while I'm inevitably on the other side of the computer screen clicking around on Facebook, wedding websites (I'm still obsessed) or posting yet another blog post.

Yup, here I am. :)

I don't come with anything to convince you of today. Sigh of relief?

Or a really funny story. Sigh of sadness?

Just compelled by the feeling right now to chronicle a happy, simple moment. Of looking at my handsome man in his periwinkle blue scrubs, listening to old people talking around me, making awkward eye contact with that guy... (oops) and mustering up the focus to get back to searching online for job openings.

If no one has mentioned to you or not, marriage is hard. Now I don't think my marriage is particularly harder than any others and this isn't a 911 call. But you get two people with a forever bond, bills, life decisions, shopping habits and TV show options and you are bound to create a sort of chaos at times.

Not to mention sleeping within 1 foot of each other. I'm still surprised this is a normal trend. Why did no one suggest the king sized bed?! All you veteran married people, I blame you a little for our queen purchase!

Anyways, I was reading "Bittersweet" by, you guessed it, Shauna Niequest the other day and she has an ode to brides. Wow, it was GOOD! One of those things that before marriage I would have read it and moved on. But now that I'm in marriage I understand why she wrote it and how rich those words are.

One of my favorite parts of the chapter, besides "Don't listen to everyone's advice, even mine" (so necessary), was the part about the first 6 months of marriage you'll be wanting your spouse to ask you for their forgiveness and the second 6 months you'll be asking them for forgiveness.

How true is this?! Sending a big HOLLER to the 4 of you I know that are in year 1 still.

I've often felt a little crazy these last few months and I've realized one of my key reasons: I can't hide.

I can't hide when I'm emotional because, guess what, he lives here too.

I can't hide when I make an awful meal because, guess what, he eats it too.

I can't hide when I am jealous of a friend because, guess what, he can tell!

I can't hide when I am being crazy because, guess what, he's not an idiot.

Errr... can someone say perfectionist?

So much of this reminds me of my relationship with the Lord. How I try to fix everything I have going wrong before I come to him, forgetting that I can't hide.

That he doesn't want perfect me. He wants me, who is imperfect.

And I usually find where I grow the most in both relationships is when I work out my mess with the other person by my side, helping me see clarity where I see mud, and practicing grace and forgiveness with one big broken me.

So that's that, folks. Hide 'n' Seak turns into Hide 'n' Freak.

[Insert the "Let go and let God" corny but true phrase here]

With love from Panera,

Paige

Hi, I'm Paige, and I eat fat.

(sorry my blog format is off. I can't fix the double spaced.)

Something that's been swirling around my mind lately is scared of fat we are.

And I would say "America" but it goes way past this country.

It's our world culture where thin is in and anything but abs is not just out, but shameful.

When I was at my heaviest I remedied the situation by switching to diet foods.

You know, rice puffs, tasteless cereals, diet sodas, fake peanut butter, low cal cheese, individual sized frozen meals, spray butter, zero cal chips...

Now, I'm not anti-diet food per se. Or anti-diet.

Or anti-doing-what-you-need-to-do-to-stay-healthy.

(Key word: healthy)

What I see is that food is no longer nutrients and fuel for our beautiful bodies.

It no longer is a time of celebration around a table, but has been dissected into calorie counting and portioned out into plastic baggies and taking off the buns for -100 calories.

And it makes sense why. Look at the obesity rate. We are obsessed with food. We like free soda refills and all-you-can-eat and Cheesecake Factory portions to make our money's worth. We have to be full to the max.

I wish we could all see food as our friend, rather than our enemy.

I wish the words "Butter" and "Sugar" didn't freak the crap out of people.

That we could learn to use moderation, to not stuff or faces and sneak chocolate chips.

Then food wouldn't be so freaky. Such an enemy.

So today I bought butter. Actual fatty, yummy butter.

And I'm using it sparingly so I don't die of a heart attack at 21.

But I'm using it.

(By the way, butter is like $4!?)

(By the way, it’s delicious)

I wish we could love our bodies. Work with what we've got.

Get them to their maximum potentials in healthy manners.

Yes, exercise regularly. Yes, eat a million veggies and fruits and proteins.

And not make an excuse for a dang COOKIE that was made with the ridiculously expensive butter.

Just to eat it, enjoy it, and move on.

I wish we could see our bodies as an awesome gift, to take care of and nurture.

And when we looked in the mirror we smiled.

I think one of the first steps to getting our minds healthy is to look at the people around us differently.

To compliment on them on things that don't involve their waist size, such as, "You look great. So healthy and happy."

My friend Elli is the queen at good compliments. If you need one, ask her.

Then, maybe then, we will start seeing ourselves in this same way.

Eating healthy, actual food and being happy.

____

What have been your experiences with diet foods and self-image?

What have been healthy habits you have developed to not be obsessed with just being thin?

Hilarious Memories

As I am searching for a job (or, like today, avoiding searching for a job), I am reminded of my experience doing the same thing 7 months ago.

Living in El Centro was amazing, wonderful, and hilarious.

Here's quite possibly my favorite memory, archived in a previous post, "The Kicker", which happened to be the most popular post of my blogging career.

Man, I hope that doesn't happen again.

But if it does I promise I'll write about it again.

With love from Pleasanton,

Paige

P.S. the answer to the Poll question was: I've lived in 4 cities! Sacramento, LA (Azusa/San Dimas), El Centro, Pleasanton... and coming soon: San Jose.

Pleasanton Home

It feels a little odd to me to post pictures of our apartment when we will probably be moving in the next few months, but I so enjoy seeing other people's homes I figured I'd post my own.

Something about having a mental picture where someone spends their day makes me feel like I'm not so far away from them. So maybe you and I won't feel so far away :)

Giant closet = LOVE!

My favorite place:

And we had some visitors!! My family came down to check out the new pad:

Chet showing off his muscles!

Evie showing off her muscles

Mom showing off her muscles lol!

Group shot! 1/2 silly 1/2 happy

And I had to throw one in of my handsome man off to his first day of work weeks ago!

With love from Pleasanton,

Paige

Twenty Something

In response to "For you, post-grad", my friend Sue recommended a song called "Twenty Something" by Jamie Cullums.

It's jazzy, funny and way too true. Thanks, Sue!

With love from Pleasanton,

This twenty something girl

Sunrise & Lattes

Yesterday Jeremy mentioned he'd like to get up earlier in the mornings to have some coffee, chill and enjoy the morning a little before he heads off to work. It would help him look forward to getting up and get going for the day.

"That sounds like a great idea!" I replied.

And I was really all for the game plan until it also included me getting up too.

See, although his schedule varies, he's generally up at 6am, sometimes earlier.

I don't know if you heard that...

He's generally up at 6am, sometimes earlier.

And although I usually wake up around 7, I most definitely was not planning on changing that. But when your husband also mentions it would include quality time with you and a chance to focus on the Lord together before the day starts, you'd be a fool to say no.

So this morning he was shaving and getting ready while I was in my giant fluffy fleece robe, sweatpants and slippers (not to forget the sloppy bun I'm still sporting) and got the espresso machine going. One Vanilla Americano and one Iced Sugar Free Hazelnut Soy Latte.

As we sat on our porch (I'm in love with this porch) yawned and talked about college and guitars and the art of manipulation, I realized once again what a good man I'm sitting next to.

See, I'm always "suggesting" ways for us to change... my new "suggestions" include how we can do the dishes this way, drive slower, fold towels nicer, eat more veggies, etc. etc. etc.

And he's always such a good sport, listening to the warning of the phrase, "If momma ain't happy, aint nobody happy!"

(And no, we aren't in Saved by the Bell and he doesn't call me "momma." Yuck.)

And I realized if all we did was listen to me and my fabulous ways to change our lives, we'd be at a loss. We'd be very very clean, orderly, vegetable eating people.

We wouldn't be yawning at 6:30am, on our porch, talking about how beautiful the blue sky is (who knew it wasn't dark at 6:30?!) and pretending the sound of cars driving by are the ocean waves.

I'm so thankful I've got this good man who makes really good suggestions and encourages us to live differently. Intentionally.

With love from Pleasanton, bright and early!

Paige

Searcher

Searching for a career-type job in this economy is rough.

I give huge props to the people who have been searching for the past few years with no avail.

The toughest part for me isn't the application process or the literal "searching" part. I don't mind taking on the world wide web and looking in search engines, scouring for a good fit.

It's hard that this whole process is alone, online, quiet... I think my extroversion is going crazy!

And that I'm a very results-oriented person who doesn't like to wait.

And wait.

And wait.

It's also hard to prioritize tasks for the day... when to search, when to make dinner, when to get ready, when to work out, when to make time to talk with friends and family, when to stop "work" for the day. Sometimes it's convenient because I can bounce back and forth. But sometimes I feel a ping pong ball.

I suddenly feel the echos of women saying, "Wait until you have children..." :)

Some things that I'm thankful for in this process:

- Pandora
- Parks & Recreation and Better Off Ted, who, besides Jeremy, are my BFFs and have been making appearances in my dreams lately...
- A dish washer
- My wonderful husband who is soo supportive!
- Espresso maker
- Fab friends who listen well
- My new yellow workout shorts (thanks, Liz :))
- Perfect weather & never shutting my windows

With love from breezy Pleasanton,

Paige