Forgetting God... oops!

[edited September 11, 2011]

This is written in thought of my fellow APUers who may be feeling some of these same things.

Since the end of my freshman year of college something has been noticeably different with my Christianity. In sooo many ways I have grown and am so grateful for my experience. But in many ways I became a skeptic, but not the good kind. Not the kind you want to be.

Something about higher Biblical education that is great is you get to know Christianity in a way that was hidden from you in church. Lies you are told week after week in the mainstream are unveiled. After dissecting them all you are left with a few rich nuggets of truths surrounded by piles and piles of confusion. You are told it will always be this way, and you learn to live Christianity knowing only for certain a few things, and you treasure and love those nuggets of truth close to your heart.

You also read the Bible totally differently. Intellectually, without the fear of finding something you don't like. Rosy glasses off and see it for what it is. Inspired. Amazing. Rich. Deep. Beautiful. Made by man to reflect our awesome God. I have a profound respect for the Bible, for the interwoven stories of Christians just like you and me who chose to live a God honoring life, or don’t and reap the consequences.

The part that is negative, I viewed the Bible also as too complicated. Too interwoven with imagery I wouldn’t understand without countless commentaries, dictionaries, professors and theologians by my side. I refused to read the Bible on my own, seeing it as pointless unless I purchased required material to go alongside my study. I no longer wanted to make stupid assumptions as I had before. Make “Christaneese” generalizations and see God for who I saw him to be before. I didn’t want to make stupid mistakes. Be childish. Be naïve again. I wanted to be educated. Smart. Tactful. Intellectual. Reasonable.

Instead of reading the Bible, I read people who read the Bible. I poured into Christian authors who would share Biblical truths about life and the Bible they’ve learned. It was the shortcut I needed to fuel my spiritual fire. I needed truths, but I couldn’t trust the Bible to just tell me them. I needed a decoder, and Christian authors were that for me.

I prayed a ton. Prayer seems safe, uncomplicated and not very theologically problematic. It’s my link to God, my life source. It was the one thing I could depend on being consistent in my spirituality and man on man did I enjoy this. But in prayer I felt that pit-of-your-stomach feeling when you know something is a little off. Something was missing but I was too afraid the answer was, “Read the Bible” and I didn’t want to find that out.

The problems with my approach came to notice in my spiritual conversations with Jeremy. We’ve been getting up earlier in the morning to read the Bible and relax before he heads off to work. We decided it would be a good way to start off our days, focused and energized. Although in my mind I knew this would be a good idea, I dreaded it. Not the waking up early, but reading the Bible. I dreaded having to make stupid assumptions off of a book I barely know the context to and make those lessons I just made up apply to my life. It seemed so… basic and flawed. So what I did before I went to college. We needed to do it differently now.

But we would read, he would talk and I wouldn’t contribute at all. I’d pretend it was because I didn’t understand, but really I didn’t even allow myself to get to a point of understanding. I was shut off to listening to the Bible, too tired of being unequipped of understanding it. It’s just easier to not read it.

Last week Jeremy and I were at my home church in Sacramento and my dad was preaching. He was so passionate. We were praying over students going off to high school the next day, and he started crying for the students who had unsaved parents. Begging the Lord to reveal himself through these students, to make them missionaries in their homes for the purpose of showing the Lord to their families.

It was on the car ride home to Pleasanton when I started realizing what was missing. Somewhere in on West Campus, in Crestview or in my room, I had lost an essential nugget to living a lasting Christian relationship... was it that I didn't believe? Did I not believe "enough"? Why did I lack the passion my dad had, and I once had, to save souls?

I got an email from a good friend today describing her current experiences coming out of APU (knowing none of my own) and it all clicked. This is what happened. This is what I couldn't put into words.

" We have gotten lost in our heads I think... it has been such a gift to learn how to read scripture, and study it, and what not. But along the way, we forgot that God is God. He is ruler of all. That we do not understand his ways, and that intimacy with him, is what he longs for, and what is ultimately fulfilling and good. He has drawn us back to himself. We are having to reshape our perspectives in a new development of humility and submission."

And that is a perfect, perfect description of what happened and is happening with me.

I forgot God is God. And that he is the ruler of all. I forgot how BIG God is when I tried to dissect and understand him. That I won't understand his ways- ever. And the only true fulfillment and good can come from intimacy with him.

He is drawing me back to him. I am having to reshape my perspective in a new development of humility and submission. I need to open my Bible and hack my way through scriptures. Because I am equipped. You are equipped. And the Lord will reveal himself to ALL who seek him!

With love from Pleasanton,

Paige